It's a challenging time right now for government, for organisations and for individuals. Emotions are high. I hope this brief article helps colleagues and friends to harness their emotions and stay at their best while working from home.
There are four basic emotions. Happiness, Sadness, Fear and Anger. These go by many different labels. In a work context , for example, anger could come across as frustration, fear as anxiety, and sadness as a feeling of checking out or resignation.
If you're baseline emotion right now is Happiness - stick with it. You’re onto a winner! If you're finding yourself stuck in a mix of the other three emotions, read on.
Most of us have a basic default position, which is, sadly, ‘I want’. When one of these emotions is triggered in us it’s often a signal that something is getting in the way of ‘I want’. It could be the situation, a person, or even you. At this point we have a choice – to go with the emotion and let it rule and drive our behaviour. Or to pause and reflect on what’s really going on.
For example, let’s take anger or frustration. When I feel this emotion - for me it’s a rising warm sensation from my stomach to my chest - it implies that something, or someone, is getting in the way of ‘I want’. In other words, I have a blocked goal – I have an idea of what I want but something is blocking its’ achievement. If I allow my emotion to drive my response, my thinking becomes clouded and my effectiveness is diminished. Alternatively, I can register the emotion, pause, and ask myself the following questions:
1. What’s my blocked goal? In other words, what do I really want?
2. What assumptions am I making? About myself, others and the situation, including the blockage.
3. What’s the worst, and the best, that could happen next?
4. What’s my next step? With new awareness and a focus on what is in my control.
In the same vein, when I experience fear or anxiety, I may have an uncertain goal – one where I’m either not sure what I want, or its achievement is at risk. And when I experience sadness or a feeling of resignation, I may have an impossible goal – that is, a goal which is unrealistic or beyond my capability.
When these emotions come up for you, pause and go with the questions:
1. What’s my uncertain / impossible goal?
2. What assumptions am I making?
3. What’s the worst, and the best, that could happen next?
4. What’s my next step, with this new awareness?
Stephen Covey, author of ‘The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People’, talked about creating a space, between stimulus and response, which if done can improve personal effectiveness. Asking the questions above helps us to create that space.
So, in these challenging times, pay attention to and harness your emotion. Pause, and create space for yourself by asking and answering the questions. Then, in each case, act with new awareness and insight. I trust this will help you to stay at your very best.
He believes in a flat earth.
I don’t. And I really struggle with my friend trying to convert me, because (of course) flat earth is complete nonsense. Just look at all that evidence we have that suggests otherwise. How could he possibly not see what’s staring him in the face? I can feel myself getting irked and frustrated.
But I love him as a friend and want to do anything I can to support him through what might be his last few days on earth. OK, I say to myself. I’ll try to see things from his perspective.
I ask him, “if flat earth were true, what would that mean for you?”
He said, “It would strengthen my faith”. He mentions a selection of over 200 scriptures that could imply flat earth. “it just reinforces how badly we are being deceived.”
In the moment, I can feel myself getting irked, again. What started out as ‘I really genuinely want to understand where he is coming from’ quickly, because of me, becomes a battle of wills.
“Have you checked the evidence? Early writers of scriptures didn’t have the context we have now. Etc etc blah blah.” As I said this, I could feel myself going cold, and listened as my friend did his best to defend and justify.
What was going on?
I was the issue . I have a view of the world – it’s round! My view is right – and it is obvious. I have lots of evidence (all of which is second hand, by the way). I’m confronted by a completely different view, held by someone that I care about. I move to defend my view, at all costs, because to do otherwise would threaten my image of self, others and the world, and that would mean what? Shame? Disintegration of my personality? Something else?
When all that was needed was for me to listen, to understand, to have a laugh, and to love. Not to compete, to refute, to reject.
That’s what Drivers can do . In this example my prevalent Drivers were: Be Strong, Be Perfect and Try Hard. In other words, don’t let him in, get my way, and keep pushing. The problem with Drivers, when I’m stressed, is that they push me to justify my view of the world at all costs, meaning I only seek out things that align with my view. I risk filtering out everything else . Instead of reacting to what’s-out-there ‘reality’, I’m reacting to ‘what’s in here’ fantasy. And that, my friends, is an extremely limiting strategy.
The ‘everything else’ in this case was my absolute need to be there for my friend and to love him as best I could. If I could time travel, I would go back and do a few things differently:
- Recognise that I've been, quite literally, hooked by a Driver. For me it's typically one of three emotions. Frustration, uncertainty, or a feeling of giving up
- Pause, and (metaphorically) take the hook out. Simply give myself a bit of space to breathe
- Ask myself ‘what’s my goal, what do I want to happen next?’. In this case it was all about my friend, not me
- Focus completely on that outcome. Listen, understand his point of view, bring humour into the mix, and think about his needs rather than my own.
I can't guarantee that this will work for you in all cases. But simply becoming aware of when you are hooked by a Driver – using emotion as a clue – and following these steps could move you towards a better connection with others, and with yourself.
That’s my gift to me. In the past, as a I time travel back to my sick friend. And it’s my gift to you. Let me know what works for you.